Most of you might think that monogamy needs no defense: it’s the norm. Most people are monogamous, and polyamory or open relationships are still considered bad or screwed up in some way. In general, I agree with you. In mainstream culture, monogamy is living a fine and boisterous life.
However within certain strains of atheist, feminist, and social justice communities, monogamy has a really bad reputation. It’s understandable that many people who are poly or open feel like they need to defend their lifestyle. It’s understandable that they’re angry. But what isn’t understandable is the bizarre bashing of the entire concept of monogamy.
There are blog posts out there that suggest that monogamy is necessarily non-egalitarian. There are people who have suggested that the only reason monogamy still exists is because of religion. Monogamy is considered backwards, overly traditional, conservative, religiously motivated and stifling by many people who are poly or people who profess to be forward thinking. It’s almost considered a brand of shame to be monogamous: you probably aren’t very liberal, you’re probably really repressed, and your sex life must suck.
I have news: monogamy can be feminist. Monogamy can be practiced happily and healthily by atheists in a completely non-religious way. Monogamy can be a choice that fully recognizes and respects the needs and desires of both parties. Monogamy can even do all these things if the two parties have mutually agreed upon rules about what they are and are not comfortable with in their monogamy. Boundaries are not non-egalitarian.
People have different sexual impulses. Most of us understand this, but in practice it’s easy to become defensive of our own choice when someone else says they prefer a different choice. What is it about monogamy that is so upsetting to many people, and what’s wrong with those arguments? Why is monogamy a valid life choice?
One of the arguments against monogamy is that it’s unnatural and restricting. Many people who are poly or open can’t imagine being satisfied with one partner, so they generalize and assume that all people cannot be happy with one partner. The way that monogamy is constructed in our society is certainly far from natural, in that it generally requires a particular narrative, but monogamy in and of itself does not have to be unnatural.
It’s fairly simple to look at animals and see that there’s a number of animals who pair-bond without any societal influences. There’s nothing inherently stifling to one’s sex drive to stay with the same partner for your entire life. We don’t know much about what the human sex drive looks like without any societal influence (hint: we never will because it’s impossible to study that), but we can see that monogamy exists in a variety of ways and places and thus there is no a priori reason to label it as unnatural.
Others say that monogamy will just never work because everyone will wander or want something different. However there are many people (myself included) who crave the things that monogamy provides and have little to no desire for the positive things that polyamory provides. Monogamy provides a great deal of consistency, which is a fairly basic human drive. It also prioritizes a very deep relationship with one individual over more relationships with more people. There are many people who prefer this style of relating: I would rather have one or two incredibly close friends than a variety of decent friends. It’s significantly easier to reach that level of deep connection when you focus your attention on one person for an extended length of time. Finally, polyamory or an open relationship requires a great deal of trust for more people, as well as balancing of time, energy, money and resources. Some of us just want things to be as simple as possible and having less people involved is simpler. I have never had a desire to move away from monogamy because its positives are two important to me.
My least favorite argument against monogamy is that it’s selfish. Interestingly, this is a claim that’s been leveled against polyamory as well. Perhaps we all want to think of our choices as selfless, but if I could make one request of the world it would be to stop calling other people’s sexual choices selfish.
The reason that some people call monogamy selfish is because they say it places your jealousy or discomfort over your partner’s interests, desires, and happiness. This is an extremely worrying argument to me. It implies that we should ignore or minimize any pain or discomfort we have so that our partner can do things that make them happy. It sounds disturbingly like rape apologetics to me. In reality, if our emotions are telling us that something is wrong, that something has crossed our boundaries, that we’re unhappy or distressed, or that we’re anxious and afraid, we should listen to them. We all have the right to take care of our emotions in the ways we need to, and if that means asking your partner to stop doing something that’s making you unhappy, then that’s ok.
Emotions are not trite, unimportant things. I know someone who has had a PTSD related panic attack after being triggered by her boyfriend being with another girl, and his response was that she was being selfish asking him to be monogamous while she dealt with her PTSD. Emotions are serious, and the distress we feel over some jealousies is very real and very painful. Asking people to prioritize their partner’s physical enjoyment over their own mental health is a dangerous road to take.
In conjunction with the selfish argument is the idea that relationships shouldn’t have rules or limits for our partner because that limits them in a selfish way. I call bollocks. In every relationship, we have some rules that we set. If you prefer to call them boundaries instead of rules, then whatever floats your boat, but we all have the right to lay down certain behaviors as unacceptable because they hurt us.
We ask our partner to respect our feelings and desires, and in turn we do our best to respect theirs. These do not limit us in a negative way, they keep us from hurting the other person. They are good restrictions. I have some extremely hard and fast rules in my relationship. My boyfriend is not allowed to hit me. My boyfriend is not allowed to yell at me. One of these rules happens to be that he won’t sleep with another person, or I won’t date him anymore because that would hurt me deeply. I’m sure he has similar rules. These are not negative rules. They are expectations that the other person will respect me and my boundaries. They indicate self-respect. ANY relationship we’re in, romantic or not, has these expectations of good behavior and respect. Some people may prefer not to make them explicit because they think it’s stifling, but I simply find that it makes everything more clear.
Finally, many people seem to assume that no one would choose monogamy because they really want it. Lots of people assume that the only reason people are monogamous is because of jealousy, or an attempt to control, or the desire to take an exclusive place in their partner’s life. Interestingly, none of these are reasons that I am monogamous. I am monogamous because I see absolutely no appeal in being poly. Sex holds little to no appeal to me, particularly not sex with new people as I’m very shy about my body. I’m quite happy having one partner. I have no desire for anything more. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything at all. I get a great deal of happiness and fulfillment from my current relationship and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I am built perfectly for monogamy. I am good at focusing on one person and one person alone. I’m bad at managing multiple people’s needs at once. I prefer having one person to fall back on. I really like the consistency of one person. Monogamy is good for me as a person. It has nothing to do with religion, with tradition, with social expectations, and it certainly doesn’t have to do with fear of societal retribution.
There is no best or even necessarily better relationship set up. Having different boundaries in your relationship doesn’t mean someone else’s boundaries are bad or inappropriate. We’re all built different, so our relationships should be too.
Thank you so much! Everything you voiced rings true in my heart as well! It is so refreshing to hear after being subject to a lot of bashing from a particular polyamorous group. I consider myself open minded and I never even thought of myself as a “jealous person” but I have been labeled that because of my preferences with monogamy. I agreed with everything you said, and you have stated it more eloquently than my attempts. Thank you, I just can’t say that enough!
Thank you for your article! I practice monogamy as a sexual lifestyle choice. In order to be as fully sexually as I can be, I need to know my sexual relationship with my partner doesn’t have any open doors or windows in it. We set up our boundaries and uphold our monogamous union, and we do it all with a lot of kinky good sex games.
I created a blog about this called I Married a Sex God. And here’s a hint: part of why my husband has earned the title of Sex God (versus just “great in bed”) is because he is so devoted and loyal to me. Nothing beats having great fantasy sex with the Love of Your Life!
I applaud your article. In doing research for my own blog, I found exactly zero blogs similar to my own (ie: sexy, edgy blogs that are specifically about monogamy…there are plenty of them about poly).
Part of the problem seems to be that people associate monogamous sex with boring, unfulfilling sex. I’m trying to send out a new message to counteract that thinking….MONOGAMOUS SEX can be kinkier and better than any other kind of sex, because there are ways of being sexual that can only be experienced in monogamy.
I hope this emails finds you well. I am contacting you to invite you to be a part of a film we are making on the subject of monogamy which I thought may be of interest to you. We are currently crowd funding for this documentary and are looking to connect with our audiences early so that we can keep independent filmmaking independent and make you the audiences, the financiers of films that are free of corporate media mandates.
The director is an acclaimed filmmaker (http://www.film-real.com) who has been researching this film for 5 years and shooting for the past 2. Dhruv completed his BA in Cultural Anthropology from Duke University and is currently pursuing a Masters in Film Production at the University of British Columbia. Through his latest film, WHYKNOT, Dhruv aims to break the silence on monogamy and question whether we as humans can resolve conflicts between our instincts and our morals.
Why Knot is a journey through the intellectual and emotional landscape of monogamy which features prominent scientists in the field and members from Dhruv’s personal sphere. During the production of the film we had the privilege to interview and research several polyamorous individuals and communities and take into account their insights and opinions. We would love to hear what you think/feel about the film trailer, so do spare us 4 minutes and give it a watch! Go on, Why Knot 🙂
I eagerly await and look forward to your feedback. Thank you so much for you time.
Dr. Daamini Shrivastav
Crowd-funding Manager / Why Knot partner
Director & Producer
+1 604 727 9817 (Canada)
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Could you possibly link to some of the blog posts to which you refer? I kept trying to think of where in the atheosphere you might have read those particular critiques of monogamy and it would be easier if you provided citations.
Hi Rebecca. The biggest post that got me was this one: http://polyskeptic.com/2013/02/15/poly-isnt-necessarily-egalitarian-but-egalitarian-is-necessarily-open/, and from there I’ve heard personal conversations that very much mimic this. I’ve been told to my face that I must be unhappy/a prude because I’m monogamous. I hope that helps 🙂
That is a well written and clearly states the strengths of monogamy. As a relationship counsellor who works with both monogamous and open relationships, my firm belief is if a person can’t hold and grow in one relationship first, then they have no hope in 2. So many “open” relationships are simply an excuse to stay on the surface with multiple partners, and usually ends painfully. Where monogamy skills are practiced, the results are much different, and when this happens most people don’t want more than one partner. Real polyamory is advanced monogamy and I don’t see that very often, if at all. Monogamy is a crucial skill to have, to choose depth and intimacy, regardless of relationship choice
Thank you for your blog post. My partner and I value monogamy, love and trust as well. I am happy to read this. 🙂
thanks a lot, ive actually been worried about this as well, because my partner(kinda) has ocd i remember once she thought she was poly and it still makes me nervous that somehow she will drift away or want someone else. how people describe monogamy is dark and dim and sometimes it gives me an urge to end my life because down to my little androgynous genderless soul im not poly i could never be
Really, it should just be as simple as “different strokes for different folks”. You do you, I do me, and we don’t judge each other.
The stress to become poly or open in our society incredible. It makes you feel like your missing out on something, when in reality your not. I met women who try to introduce me to the swing life style, and I had a nervous breakdown.
A monogamist should not venture into a poly life style, we are not built that way.
I had a much longer reply, in store, but I’ve decided to just leave it at : Thank you. I needed this.
My girlfriend recently, “came out” to me that she feels she is poly-amorous. I am strictly a monogamous person, so this was devastating. It has changed the nature of our relationship, I got involved with her because I believed she was of the same mindset. I feel that mono/poly relationships are a recipe for disaster. I am quite secure with who I am and confident, but this change in our relationship destroyed that. I know if I wanted to make this work, *I* am the one that has to accept her and deal with my feelings. She gets to go on without any emotional fallout. I would always be suspicious of her male friends as being a potential new lover. I don’t think I could live with that the rest of my life. I firmly believe I will be unable to make it work if that is truly what she is. Sharing her time with another lover is just not appealing, I do not want to be someones part time lover!
Thank you for confirming my feelings about monogamy and that it isn’t necessarily “unnatural” as so many recent books and blogs suggest.
It is 100% ok to let someone know that the relationship won’t work out if the terms change. It’s more respectful to both of you if you’re honest that polyamory isn’t for you, so kudos for knowing that.
I’m so thankful to find that there are at least a few people out there that feel the same way as I do. Monogamy is the only way that I will stay in a relationship. And my sexual relationships have rocked. If I didn’t believe in monogamy I wouldn’t be so good in bed, no need to work hard to please my partner. Why would I care? My children are grown. I can take care of myself. I would rather stay with no man than to stay with someone who doesn’t feel the same way. I’m going to look up the blog “I married a sex God”. If there are any other avenues to support monogamy please let me know. Our culture is de-evolving as humans. People don’t seem to give a damn about themselves because it doesn’t make any difference anyway.
I think you’ve really missed the point of this post.
Polyamory is 100% ok. It’s just also 100% ok to be monogamous if you want.
Thank you for this article. I am in a relationship where I am happy if it’s monogamous. My boyfriend just started a secret relationship with another, and I found out. He wants to be poly. I don’t. A dynamic is set up then that he has a right to be himself and accepted as himself. I am not poly in my being and want the same value of respect and acceptance for who I am. We’re trying to work it out, as we have a baby too, and we want to be together. As it is, we’ve agreed to protect our sexual energy and intimacy for each other, and be honest in our boundaries and feelings. He’s hoping that I’ll open up to poly, though I feel it is not a possibility. It’s good to hear your thoughts. Thank you.