Sensations and Confusion

Most people would not describe me as a sensual person. I think I come across as fairly cold, definitely stand-0ffish, and distinctly touch repulsed. I’m not a hugger, I’m pretty lukewarm on cuddling, and I really like having a large personal bubble (which no one gets to be in unless I explicitly invite them in). I’m a picky eater, like soft and comfortable clothes, and am uncomfortable with looking and acting sexy.

But oddly enough, this stand-offishness is actually because I am incredibly sensual. I’m ridiculously sensitive (if you try to tickle me I will likely elbow you in the groin. Unintentionally). Sometimes I feel sensuality so hard that it hurts. When my cats are being particularly adorable I get the desire to cuddle them so hard that my jaw starts aching and I get shakey shivers through my spine. Sometimes I have to grind my teeth or bite down on something to keep myself from pulling a Lennie. (Don’t worry my kitties aren’t in danger, I just love them a lot and sometimes have to restrain myself).

Scents can change my mood completely. Petrichor will immediately make me nostalgic and full of feelings I can’t quite put my finger on: infinity I suppose. Some scents are home, and others are fear. The smell of a certain deodorant will always be my first boyfriend and will always be violation. Lilacs are childhood, and spaghetti is safety.

And sounds. Sounds are amazing. The sound of someone chewing will make me more violent than anything else in the world. But music can make me feel things I can’t explain, powerful, sexy, beautiful, deep, broken, joyful, empty…music and dance and rhythm speak to me on a level that nothing else does. I will remember the words to a song after just a few repetitions, I will learn the muscle memory of movement better than anyone I’ve met.

Touch is too much for me. I get shivers from someone brushing against my ankle or my wrist. Soft socks can change a whole day for me. Anything less than a slap is a tickle. I can feel your breath on my neck and it makes me wriggle and squirm. I once got off just from the feeling of someone touching my back.

Don’t even get me started on food. I can’t put anything with the slightest hint of bitter into my mouth and I crave sugar like no one I’ve ever met. Once a taste is in my mind I can’t shake it until I eat, and eat, and eat. I once wanted cream cheese wantons for a full year. No matter how many times I ate them, the need never left. Textures can ruin any meal for me. Trying to eat tofu is a practice in attempting not to vomit. I would rather not eat than eat something mushy or gooey or gelatinous.

I crave sensations. Perhaps self harm is an attempt to get a high, a thrill, a sensation. Sometimes when I see a picture of a beautiful person I feel a longing so hard it hurts. Perhaps that’s why I thought I was a sexual being for so long. I WANT so much. But when I stop and think about it, I don’t WANT kisses or sex or anything of that nature. I want to stare for longer, I want to possess the spark of beauty that’s in the face, I want to rub my face on the soft skin just like I do with my cat’s fur. I want to grab ahold of things and squeeze and contain. I crave beauty, I crave speed, I crave movement. I feel the same thrill on a roller coaster as I do whirling on the dance floor as I do looking at the face of that gorgeous movie star.

And it’s confusing. It’s confusing how much I want. I have so much, but sometimes the spaces that I have close in and I feel like I need to run outside and rub my face all that the world is. Sometimes I am afraid that because of what I have chosen today I won’t be able to fall in love over and over with all the things I can experience. The fear makes me nauseous.

How can I contain the feelings, how can I identify, how do I have any grounding when each new experience gives me a whirling high that confounds me? My own emotions are too much to keep me in one place, one person, one body. I can’t contain myself. I wonder sometimes if I love too much because my body refuses to cut out the excess, colors are too bright and tastes are too sharp. People think that minds are separate from bodies, but how can I keep my emotions stable when my body feels so much? How can I not feel so much when the world is full and intense and soft and more than my senses can process?

The longing I feel will always confuse me. I don’t know if I will ever be content.

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