You all might have seen the recent story going around about the man who put together an excel spreadsheet of all the times that his wife said no to sex with him. Niki has a great takedown of a lot of the issues with this, focusing specifically on the fact that no one can ever owe you sex. I’d like to take that idea one step further and look at the concept that seems to be encapsulated in this story, which is that this man’s wife was withholding sex in some fashion. After quickly google searching “withholding sex” and being highly disturbed at the huge number of advice columns about reasons women (always women) withhold sex, it appears obvious to me that there is a common trope in our society that this is not only possible to do but also something that happens on a regular basis for some common reasons.
Read this full article at Aut of Spoons.
[…] “Withholding Sex” and Other Lies […]
Sounds like a very selfish viewpoint, totally excluding the fact that every relationship involves both parties occasionally doing things they may not particularly feel like doing at the moment. I hope that a relationship where you never do anything for the other person unless you happen to want to at that precise moment makes you happy. Selfishness makes no one happy in a relationship, and whoever took the time to write all this verbage advocating selfishness is probably female, lonely and alone. I hope when you do find a man, and you want to talk, and he says NO because he doesn’t feel like listening, that you can advocate his selfishness just as well.
Is it not selfish to ask that a person literally share their body even when they do not feel like it? Whoever took the time to write this comment must be male and entitled, and unable to understand that sharing a body =/= talking.
My original comment came out of frustration that one assumes it’s always women withholding sex. The link above in the comment section proves that is not the case.
So, for a more in-depth and less ragey comment: I think the rules change a little bit when one is married…as much as I hate to admit that, because with marriage comes the idea that one will sacrifice something for another. They should be in it for the long haul. But, instead of making a spreadsheet on how many times his wife would not have sex with him, why not try to figure out *why* she doesn’t want to have sex with him. And who knows, maybe he did.
I think relationships and intimacy are more nuanced than we want to admit. And subsequently, issues like this get messy–yes, no one owes you sex–but I don’t know if the husband actually believes he’s *owed* sex. It may be more of a “we used to do this activity together that brought us closer together and now you don’t want to do it anymore” issue. That’s understandably hurtful.
The spreadsheet was a lame way to go about things. I hope they got some counseling or at least had a serious heart to heart about this. And I’d like to see people on either side of this…debate I guess (it feels weird to think so many people have an opinion on this woman’s sex life, but hey she put it out there asking for help) be a little more gentle and nuanced. I know this issue is a few months old, but still. It’s how I think we should start approaching more issues.
Sex 3 times in 28 days. I would call that pretty good. In 35 years of Marrage, my wife has initiated sex once. Sex once every 6 to 8 weeks is where I am at. My wife and I have talked about it. I have expressed my desire for more sex, and it is clear that her sexual drive is nearly non existent. This is not a male observation, but her own words. You have a few options. Accept it and learn to find other ways to satisfy your needs (without cheating) or get out of the relationship. While the idea of a chart is not all that good, it points out that there are different levels of sexual need.