How To Have Depression In the North

Summers will be great.

Wear dresses and shorts and splash your feet in every body of water you come across.

In the summer, you must never work past 5:00, and every evening should be spent with friends.

Drink sangria and go to lakes.

The calendar says you have three months.

The weather never gives you three months.

There are two weeks of fall, and you will be melancholy.

Kick the leaves everywhere you walk and wear your coziest boots.

Breathe deeply: the air smells differently in the fall.

One month into winter, the sky will be gray and you will start to forget what it felt like to smile.

You will sleep for 10 hours at a time, and yet never have energy.

Cover every inch of your body with scarves and mittens and jackets whenever you leave the house.

Don’t leave the house.

If possible, don’t leave your bed.

Purchase as many blankets as possible and cover yourself with all of them.

It’s safer inside.

Two months into winter, you may remember that you have friends.

If you are feeling ambitious, now is the time to call them

and ask for rescuing.

The rescue will last you to Christmas, at which point family anxiety will ruin you.

January is hell.

Once you have survived hell, you will be numb.

Don’t bother imagining spring: it will never come.

Stop shaving because you need the extra warmth

(or because you can’t muster the energy to pick up your razor)

When you go outside, try to ignore the sloppy piles of mud/snow that line every sidewalk

Profess your hatred of winter sports, which got old in December

Spring will appear some time in April

It will feel like a miracle

every breath tastes like growing

and you will put on shorts at 50 degrees.

Feel no shame.


Wait for the glorious summer.

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