Note: No one freak out about mentions of symptom use. These are all just capturing feelings, not literal.
Last night I took a blade to my skin
Blood letting for the soul
The foul humors escape.
There is more life within me than the flimsy walls of my body can contain
Bursting and breaking through in fits
A quick slice so much easier
Draining an abscess
Have you ever felt a nostalgia so melancholy your breath flees?
Or fallen in love with the golden caricatures of humanity?
Do you walk the streets in the twilight, breathing in the scents of rain and promise
And wonder if you could live forever?
Have you ever run your hands over your body and wondered
How easy it would be to rip it open
just for the freedom?
Sometimes when I love too hard, I refuse food
A quiet prayer that my body disappear
To give me more space to stretch and love you more deeply.
Did you know that a body can burst if you fill it with enough loves?
Some girls bend their bodies into contortions, hoping to confuse the fire within
into fading out
Their skin paper thin
They glow as lanterns
Until they concoct an emptiness to kill the flames.
Their insides were yearning for people, for places
So they replaced passion with need
for size 2, for vodka, for death
And now their skin simply crinkles, hollow
I let the heat bleed out of me when I can’t carry the weight
But I can breathe flames on days I am strong enough to stand.
A single face, glimpsed
A face that might be the face of one I once loved
is enough to leave me shaking with nostalgia
At night my feet know that it’s time to leave
but my mind has no destination.
My heart supplies the names of everyone I have every shown myself to
and my feet anxiously trip through memory and longing
I can’t escape the way that feeling so much is always pain
And the flood of insecurities that returns with each face
I am sitting alone in the dark
The razor blades of my eyes cutting over each ounce of fat
And everyone I’ve ever loved is not here
Object permanence has escaped me, and they are lost
I am more, I am more than ennui
I could be more, and perhaps I could collect each face for good.
But I am already too much
And they cannot fit into my long list of labels.
I cannot chase lost souls.